i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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