he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
MIDGETS
????
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
