Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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