Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
