Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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