you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
