Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize