And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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