My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
