My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
