i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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