She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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