I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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