Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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