this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
