I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
