I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
