I wish they made helmets for livers.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
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