Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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