saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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