These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize