I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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