I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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