if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
