If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
