he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
