I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
