I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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