Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
