This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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