I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
