Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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