"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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