The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
