I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
