literally had 100 drinks last night.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
