Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize