I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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