Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
