apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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