apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
