Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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