It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
