I cut my penus on the lid.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Randomize
