So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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