His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
