Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
