he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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