Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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