Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
