My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I need moral support for this bender
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
