I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Im just a social blackout drinker.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
