new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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