hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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